Deeper Relationships

Solving Relationship Problems

11-part series on how you can solve the problems in your relationships.


Solving Relationship Problems - Part 1: Why are Relationships so Difficult?
It's easy to "fall in love" and start a relationship. But building a lasting relationship that deepens over time is the hard part. In this video we discuss some of the root problems that cause relationships to fail. The problems begin before you even meet your partner: your need for someone to fill your needs. We discuss differences in perception and the way projection tends to sabotage a relationship. This is the first of an 11-part series in which we cover a wide range of relationship problems and how to solve them.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 2: Conflict Can Destroy a Relationship
Everyone experiences conflict in relationships. Every time you enter into conflict, you are following a process. Your process may be conscious or unconscious, but the process you follow can determine whether your relationship will survive. We discuss several common destructive process, and offer tips for changing those processes to bring about constructive results in your relationships.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 3: The Need for Nurturing
During childhood, each of us experiences the need for nurturing. In many cases, children grow up to become needy adults, looking for a partner who can provide the nurturing that has been missing. We all need to learn to be more nurturing in our relationships. However, needy partners can create problems when they "need" more nurturing than their partner can provide. This can lead to resentments, and a blocking of the potential nurturing that each partner has to offer. In this segment, we discuss the importance of nurturing yourself, and being able to receive & encourage nurturing from your partner (without demanding it).

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 4: Couples Need to Connect
Our lives get very busy and filled with activities. As a result, often, couples fail to "connect" with each other. Connecting doesn't necessarily take a lot of time, but it does require awareness. In this session, we discuss ways of connecting and staying connected. Communication is a critical component of a relationship, and it needs to go beyond communicating about logistics. Couples need to communicate in a meaningful way in order to stay connected.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 5: Building a Deep Friendship
Often the biggest problem in a love relationship is the lack of friendship. The intensity of a strong physical attraction tends to lose that intensity over time. If you are building a deep friendship, the relationship will continually grow and deepen. If the physical attraction is the strongest component of the relationship, it is destined to lessen over time, and when it does, the relationship will be in danger. Living with another person sets you up for conflict. You need the bonds of friendship to resolve conflict and build a stronger relationship as a result. If the friendship is absent, conflict often results in resentment and even hostility, and the result is an erosion of the physical attraction.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 6: Tuning in to Each Other
Careers, outside interests and general busyness can cause couples to be disconnected. Ultimately, what is required for a deep, lasting relationship is for both partners to tune in to each other. This means being able to understand your partner's inner world, and to really relate. We use the term "relationship" but often people don't really relate to each other.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 7: Shared Values
One important way of getting connected to your partner is by having discussions about values. What do you value? What are your dreams and aspirations? Through your discussions you will be able to get a clear picture of what your shared values are. These shared values are the basis of your core relationship, your friendship, your bond. Your shared values are the foundation for the future growth of your relationship.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 8: Finding Common Interests
It's not uncommon for couples to have widely differing interests and even different sets of friends. But over time, if you don't develop common interests, the relationship will suffer. Common interests allow you to have fun together, spend enjoyable time together, and have meaningful conversations. New interests can be developed, and if you can develop new interests that bring both of you together, it's a worthy investment of your time and energy.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 9: Developing a Process for Resolving Conflict
Conflict resolution skills are generally lacking in most couples. Unresolved conflict can destroy a relationship, so in order to build healthy relationship, you need to develop skills and a process for resolving conflict. In this session, we outline an effective process. If you want the process to work, you need to use it in the little conflicts - not just the major problems. If you can learn to use the process in small conflicts on a daily basis, it will become natural, and will be very effective when the major conflicts come up.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 10: Resolving Conflict with a Process That Works
The process we recommend for resolving conflict involves three stages: Goals, Roles and Procedures. First, you discuss goals: What do each of you want? What is the basis of the conflict? What kind of outcome would you like to see? Why did you do what you did or say what you said? The second stage is a discussion of roles. At least 50% of all conflict is centered around conflicting roles. Roles must be understood and continually redefined. How do you see your role? How do you see your partners role? How does he/she see his/her role? Your role? The third stage is to come up with options for new procedures that will allow the conflict to be resolved going forward. This is an agreement about what both of you will do in the future. When learn to use this process with your daily conflicts, large and small, it will dramatically improve your relationships.

Solving Relationship Problems - Part 11: Keeping Your Bucket Full
A relationship is like a bucket, and the joy, quality, positive energy, motivation & fulfillment that you can experience in the relationship are like the water that fills the bucket. We need to learn how to keep the bucket filled. That involves doing things that add water to the bucket. It also involves making sure you aren't doing things that make holes in the bucket. The holes can quickly drain the water out of the bucket. We have to continually perform maintenance on the bucket by detecting and repairing the holes. Relationships require work and attention, but if you can establish the right balance your relationships will grow and flourish.



"Solving Relationship Problems"
is a Deeper Relationships video series


About resources




working through relationship problems


deep relationship problems


communication is critical in relationships